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out of fight

I’m done blogging.

 

Because I’m depressed. And my writing sucks when I’m depressed.

Because I’m not happy and I don’t want to write like I am. Don’t get me wrong—all the happiness you see here isn’t a lie. It’s fo realz. But I’ve learned lately that I don’t have to be happy. I don’t have to handle all these sucky things with grace and dignity and stuff. I’m allowed to be upset and sad and miserable. And I completely intend to be. For a little bit.

Because mostly I just want to write paragraphs that mostly consist of swear words.

Because everything sucks.

And on days when I feel happy, I’ll be happy.

Also I feel like no one reads this. Which is fine. But I feel lonely sometimes, and this only adds to it. And I might as well keep it it all to myself. I’m just gonna go be a lonely sad person on my own. I’ll come back when I’m happy. Which will probably be November 22nd when Alyssa gets home.

Or maybe tomorrow. We shall see.

In the meantime, if you’re not my FB friend, here are some of the Halloween party pictures.

[Title from Sing For Me by Yellowcard]

27 comments:

  1. I read your blog. I love reading your blog. You are such a good writer. Please don't stop. Ever. I love you, best friend!

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  2. I read it! And I love it! And I love you! But if you need a break, then by all means, take it. I hereby give you permission ;)

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  3. Bridian,
    Fear not, I ALWAYS, read your blog.
    Your amazing!

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  4. So it's funny cause before I read this: "Because mostly I just want to write paragraphs that mostly consist of swear words" I thought, dang, if I were her, all of my blog posts would be super angry and lined with swear words. Great minds think alike i suppose? Anyway. I've been dying to send you stuff or possibly get a pen pal relationship going so let me just skip the foreplay and ask you to send me your address via FB message? COOL. ;)

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  5. You're breaking my heart, and all the hearts of your avid followers. But I understand, everyone needs time to heal. Give yourself that time. I love you!

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  6. That post should have been signed "Joy"

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  7. Keep blogging. I love to hear about your life good and bad. You are important to me. I love you!!!

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  8. Don't stop. I read your blog actively, its one my daily activities. Your blog is fun to read, please don't stop. But if you need to take a break, by all means go ahead.

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  9. Everyone needs time to heal, time to get their lives together, time to figure out everything going on inside them and around them.
    But when you're done with that, or after you make some good progress, you should come back to blogging, because LOTS of people read your blog.
    It's a tab that's permanently open on my computer, and i'm always checking for new posts.
    you write so well, whether it's about "happy" things or "sad" things, it's still something people want to read.
    you have a gift.
    don't forget that.
    things will turn around eventually. whether it's in 2 weeks or 20 years, things WILL get better.. more tolerable.. at least bearable.

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  10. well when you are ready we are here ready to keep reading about your life! :) love ya!

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  11. It may feel like people don't read your blog if they don't make comments (I feel that way all the time about mine)... but trust me, lots of people read it and love you, your writing, your blog and your life. I feel like I know you so much better through your blog... the good stuff and the sad stuff. I like it all! But I completely understand the mixed feelings and vulnerabilities that come with putting yourself out there on a blog. Hope you feel better soon and don't give up on the blog.

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  12. For the record, I do stalk you. ♥

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  13. Yea, I'm a stalker too, but don't try to force yourself to be happy. You're absolutely right - life has been pretty sucky to you lately and you don't have to handle things right now. Everything is a process and one person's time-line isn't yours. You have permission to feel sad and not feel quilty.

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  14. I read your blog, and we don't even know each other...at all! It's just one of those things you stumble upon, and I am not ready to give it up! So come back, when you're ready. And be true to what you're feeling. The bad is what makes the good so good. Go with it. I'm looking forward to your next post.

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  15. Well that stinks. Life sucks like that sometimes. Come over and we can be lame together. I miss you.

    Andrea

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  16. Bridian,
    I posted a comment yesterday but it disappeared! I always read your blog and actually go into withdrawal when there isn't a new one to read. Thank goodness for all of your archived ones! I think you are an amazing person and I hope you choose to continue to blog - but when you are ready to. Take as much time as you need. You have been through so much lately - a lifetime's worth in a very short amount of time. Everyone heals differently and although your outer wounds have healed, you need more time for your inner wounds. You have so many people who love you, so lean on all of them for a change! I'll miss reading your blogs for a while, but I'll be looking forward to seeing you smile again!

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  17. you should take a break after everything that happened. i respect that. you dont know me personally but if you wonder ask kenyan who werid kid from third grade is. JFK

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  18. yo dude, just stop riting. u suck

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  19. "Mina Rakastan Sinua"

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  20. I cant imagine you swearing Brid. We love you and hope that you are feeling better soon.

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  21. Hey girlie! I am running another 1/2 marathon and cannot sleep (between the nerves because this group I am running with are SERIOUS runners, and Carrabbas I ate last night which is causing major gastrointestinal distress) you are running through my mind. I saw you dropped out of FB maybe you needed a break or got sick of hearing how Jada is in a better place (like the one she had here was not good enough or what?) I just hope you know that we all love you. I cannot pretend to even fathom what you are going through, the hurt you feel, the anger, and the sadness. But I know someone who does. Only our Savior can help take that pain away, lean on Him, stay close to Him. I love the scripture when the man was born blind (John chapter 9) and the disciples ask why, if it was because of his parents or his own sin. Jesus answers neither 'but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.' Sometimes we go through trials that are not caused by sin or bad choices of our own (or anybody). But so that we can see his hand and the power the atonement in our lives. Did the blind man get his sight back? Yes, but he does not get the years of blindness restored? No, he will always have that memory of no sight. He will heal your heart but you will never lose the memory of you sister or the pain of losing her. I hope you know that you are deeply loved. Don't feel pressure to blog do it when you are ready. Allow yourself to feel anger, hurt, rage, sadness and joy. Work through the grief as it comes and don't put expectations on yourself like 'I should not feel this way I have the knowledge of the gospel.' Heavenly Father himself had to step away for a moment and turn his back on what was happening to the Savior when he was on the cross. So we see that even He allows himself to feel pain and anger. If you need to talk to someone I am always here. I read your blog and have been horrible at commenting (I should know better!) When and if you feel up to it I hope you come back! Alright time to jump in the shower so I can sweat it up and reak again after 13.1 miles of pure hellish-joy! <3

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  22. PS- I win for longest comment ever!!!!

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  23. Brid,
    Do what makes you feel better. We'll all be here waiting when you're ready. :-) You are loved. Call me if/when you want to talk. I wish I was there to hang with you in person. Maybe you can come whale watching w/ us when we move? SO FUN! Love you!
    Laura

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  24. Brid, I always read your blog! It's bookmarked and I get so excited when there's new posts. Don't stop for good, please!

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  25. Bridian,
    After purposely staying away from Facebook, I finally gave in and started reading your page. With the bits and pieces you posted, I felt compelled to learn more, so I started reading your blog. I spent many hours one weekend reading everything on your blog. I cried over your tragedies and laughed through your lighter blogs. Thoughts of you ran randomly through my mind whether I was working or watching TV. Bridian, you are a VERY talented writer!! You have never indicated what career you are pursuing, but you would definitely be successful as a writer. I agonized over the fact that you had moved to Texas, as I would love to be able to see you again. Please email me when you get the chance. Much has been written about special teachers who make a difference, but there hasn't been much attention paid to the very special students who make a difference in the lives of their teachers. You are one of those very special students, and you definitely made a difference in my life. I look forward to reading more from you. Ms. Turner

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