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the blinds are fantasies

Watch out guys. This is no jolly Christmas post. This is a documentation of what my life is like right now.

I would like to submit that worst kind of pain is pain in your heart. When things that your brain tells you hurt so bad that I can just feel my heart clenching and my whole body just aches with pain and sadness. It’s overwhelming. Trying to think things through rationally is useless because the only things that come rushing into my head are harsh words and sad thoughts. They just go around in a circle; sad thought, attempt to make it neutral and to figure out what the problem is, attempt to find a solution, realization of how much the whole situation sucks, crushed and overwhelmed by it again, more pain, more tears, more crying till my sinuses are stuffed and my head is throbbing.

These past two months have been, hands down, the hardest two months of this year. Taking into consideration the events that have occurred this year, that is saying something. I mean I realize that circumstantially things are better now. And despite what people may think, I am grateful for that. But the morale is down. I wish I could have just delayed all the love and support and text messages from the hospital back in June until I really needed them, or taken the two hundred facebook notifications and saved ‘em up for when I was feelin low. Not that any of that would change my situation or my stuck-in-a-rut brain, but it’d be nice.

I hate waking up. I hate having to drag my brain out of its carefree dream world and re-introduce it to the problems it has to solve before it rests again. Because my brain doesn’t know everything. Sometimes I’m not even sure if it knows anything. It is seriously slacking on solving my problems. I cut it a little bit of slack though, because I’m not sure anyone has the answers.

I feel alone. Vulnerable and scared and insecure, carrying a heavy load. But why should anyone else carry it? It is mine, after all, and no one’s really obligated to solve problems for me (though people really do try). People don’t always respond the way I want them to. But why do I get to expect anything of people? Who’s to say my ideas of proper responses aren’t completely flawed? There aren’t any real rules on social conduct. Even if there were, there would be no specific rules relating to “how to speak to a twenty year old who has been rendered unstable due to a series of unfortunate events”. (Of course, even if there were, I’m sure I’d only meet the rouge rule breakers anyway). Then again, I’m no good at following these implied social guidelines. I frequently need to remind myself that just because people deserve a good deck in the face doesn’t mean I should deliver one.

The unfortunate thing is that I’m turning into a stupidly unsympathetic person. I don’t care much about what people have to say or what they think their problems are. People talk too much. I think we should all revert to using sign language, and only when absolutely necessary.

Well this is probably the most inconclusive post I’ve written. I have no answers. I’m confused about everything. I don’t even know what things I don’t know.

The only things I know are that my hands smell like garlic and I’m still good at using my feet as hands, so I guess I’ll be okay…eventually.IMG-20111128-01960

Merry Christmas…. :)

[Title from Sick Muse by Metric]

7 comments:

  1. Hello Bridian

    you do not know me, and i never meet you, we are just related by facebook, like thousands around the world, so, my words might not be of any use because, as i said, you do not know me; So, for starters, I'll just say that i am a guy from Portugal called João Martins, and that your sister knows me, from her mission when she was at my city - Guimarães.

    I do not know exactly what you been through, i just know and fell that you are in pain. that kind of pain that is not only physical but reaches out to our hearts, even, our spirit.

    I will not say to you anything that feels a "cliché" box, by saying "be strong and everything will be ok", you had that enough lately.

    Instead i will say to you that, despite all the pains and doubts that you have, you know better. You know that you are not alone but there are people that Love you and they will always remind you of what you are, of who you are.
    I've learned to not live by looking into today's pain but by trying to concentrate on that small light at the end. IT can be really small but everyone can see it, even you, with all your physical pain and heartache. That light is simply Love and Hope, even Faith.

    What i told you isn't new for you. You probably already heard it. You are probably saying, right now, "who is this guy? and why he is telling me what i already know?" , well, the answer is exactly that, to remind you of what you already know. To remind you that you can overcome EVERY problem just by having Faith, Love, Hope, and by not forgetting who you are and that you will NEVER be alone.


    Hugs,
    João

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  2. But I love you! Things will get better. I'm not very good at this motivational thing, but I feel for you, and we all miss you! ♥

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  3. I agree. The past 2 months have SUCKED. I ( and you too) have also received some great blessings. I love you & hope you start feeling better ( and heal quickly ) soon. Enjoy your keychain!!( lame, but I sure do love you!!) ~Carin

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  4. Cheer up, Brid! Things will be better. Just think of things that make you happy and focus on them, listen to your favorite music, eat a mood food. That works for me, and it just might work for you.

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  5. I really don't know what to tell you. I know you know you are never alone! My mom always tells me it is the very darkest before dawn. I know you won't always feel like this but it really is part of the healing process. I know I always say this but let yourself hurt and feel like crap you have to work through it and sometimes that means laying on the couch or bed all day crying, hurting, swearing and then laughing and feeling the spirit. So many people love you and are there for you and most importantly the Savior is there for you too! My heart just hurts for you and I wish there was some way I could shoulder some of the load! I love how real you are and appreciate that you can just say what you feel! I think someday if not now there are people reading this blog that are deeply impacted by your writing. Keeping cooking and using your toes! I BTW can play peter peter pumpkin eater with my toes... yeah I have finger toes too;)! All my love!
    T

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  6. Bridian,

    I know you don't know me, but I stumbled across your blog today and, while I realize this doesn't mean much coming from a stranger, it has moved me. The story of your sister, the accident, everything, has moved me to tears. I cried for you today as I read your blog. Tears for the pain and sorrow I am certain you feel. Tears for your strength and incredible determination to be precisely who you are. Tears for the admiration I feel for your love for your siblings. Being home for Christmas, after reading your tribute to your sister in the wee hours of the night, I crept into my brother's bedrooms and cried and talked to them and told them how much I loved them as I slept. ... maybe that was creepy... but it felt right. Thank you. I know that's a silly thing to say, but you are incredible for everything you have been through. I hope you know how much the Savior loves you. I wish to tell you that you are strong, but people always say that to me and... i HATE it. So i'm strong... what other choice do I have? It's not like I can just quit. There's no pause or stop in life. So, while you are strong, you are also amazing in the vulnerability you express here. That you are still soft enough to share your pain. I admire and aspire to that.

    Thank you for being wonderful.

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  7. There are no words that can heal a broken heart. I know. ♥

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