Watch out guys. This is no jolly Christmas post. This is a documentation of what my life is like right now.
I would like to submit that worst kind of pain is pain in your heart. When things that your brain tells you hurt so bad that I can just feel my heart clenching and my whole body just aches with pain and sadness. It’s overwhelming. Trying to think things through rationally is useless because the only things that come rushing into my head are harsh words and sad thoughts. They just go around in a circle; sad thought, attempt to make it neutral and to figure out what the problem is, attempt to find a solution, realization of how much the whole situation sucks, crushed and overwhelmed by it again, more pain, more tears, more crying till my sinuses are stuffed and my head is throbbing.
These past two months have been, hands down, the hardest two months of this year. Taking into consideration the events that have occurred this year, that is saying something. I mean I realize that circumstantially things are better now. And despite what people may think, I am grateful for that. But the morale is down. I wish I could have just delayed all the love and support and text messages from the hospital back in June until I really needed them, or taken the two hundred facebook notifications and saved ‘em up for when I was feelin low. Not that any of that would change my situation or my stuck-in-a-rut brain, but it’d be nice.
I hate waking up. I hate having to drag my brain out of its carefree dream world and re-introduce it to the problems it has to solve before it rests again. Because my brain doesn’t know everything. Sometimes I’m not even sure if it knows anything. It is seriously slacking on solving my problems. I cut it a little bit of slack though, because I’m not sure anyone has the answers.
I feel alone. Vulnerable and scared and insecure, carrying a heavy load. But why should anyone else carry it? It is mine, after all, and no one’s really obligated to solve problems for me (though people really do try). People don’t always respond the way I want them to. But why do I get to expect anything of people? Who’s to say my ideas of proper responses aren’t completely flawed? There aren’t any real rules on social conduct. Even if there were, there would be no specific rules relating to “how to speak to a twenty year old who has been rendered unstable due to a series of unfortunate events”. (Of course, even if there were, I’m sure I’d only meet the rouge rule breakers anyway). Then again, I’m no good at following these implied social guidelines. I frequently need to remind myself that just because people deserve a good deck in the face doesn’t mean I should deliver one.
The unfortunate thing is that I’m turning into a stupidly unsympathetic person. I don’t care much about what people have to say or what they think their problems are. People talk too much. I think we should all revert to using sign language, and only when absolutely necessary.
Well this is probably the most inconclusive post I’ve written. I have no answers. I’m confused about everything. I don’t even know what things I don’t know.
Merry Christmas…. :)
[Title from Sick Muse by Metric]