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some people stay, some were born to run away

my life is a little confusing right now.

i feel like i’m twelve: trying to win over boys & make friends with girls [and not embarrass myself doing so], getting my feelings hurt and dreams crushed by insignificant things.

i feel like i’m seventeen: driving my teenager car to work at my summer job, staying up too late and desperately trying to balance saving money with having a social life.

i feel like i’m twenty seven: done with college [which i’m not] and trying to figure out what i want to do and where my place is in the world, trying to pretend that somewhere, somehow i actually learned to be an adult.

i feel like i’m thirty three: trying to teach the younger ones how to clean, how to tell if a cupcake is done, how to speak kindly and considerately.

i feel like i’m forty two: like my mom and i are just two great friends in a golden stage of life, just contentedly enjoying how far we’ve come, wondering if there’s much excitement left in life, not minding the way life has calmed down.

i feel like i’m eighty: reflecting on the things i’ve seen and done, the heartache and happiness i’ve felt, knowing that i’ve loved and laughed. feeling content to die {in a non-suicidal way, guys}, anxiously awaiting the day i get to see jada again.

one thing i don’t feel like is a twenty year old. though i’ve heard this is what it should be like. ‘the twenties’ is less awkward than puberty, but barely. it’s an abstract stage of life where you’re not anything. you’ve come from somewhere and eventually you will go somewhere, but right now you’re nowhere. and “nowhere” is a natural breeding ground for defining yourself, making important decisions that in some cases will be unchangeable. it’s a good place to figure things out, to float through a dark, empty space until your feet touch the ground again. here’s to a decade of deciding who i’m gonna be for the rest of forever.

and to a beautifully overcast sky:IMG-20120605-06137

[title from amelia jean by jack’s mannequin]

2 comments:

  1. You are beautiful. Inside and out. You expand my mind and put into words what I wish I could. Your view on this world is just amazing. I hope one day to meet you. <3 much love -Erin

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  2. Your description of a 27-year-old (which I will be in 3 short days) is eerily apt.

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