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over it, over and over again

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here is my life analogy for the day: people have beads, representative of themselves. we have bottomless pockets of beads, and we hand these metaphorical pieces of ourselves out to people. we dole ‘em out a lot—when we give people nicknames or remember inside jokes or share stories or make memories. when you give someone a bead you’re letting them in a little; giving them a part of yourself that you’re never getting back.

i really suck at this bead thing. i give them to the wrong people in a hurry and feel a sickening emptiness when i realize what i’ve done. i go through phases of flinging beads all over the place, desperately seeking for someone that will hold on to them, appreciate them, hold it up to the light in marvel and wonder, saying “hey, this piece of you is really really cool. thanks for trusting me with it”. i trust people that i shouldn’t, seek the approval of people that will never give it to me, and then regress into a phase where i curl up in a ball and [rocking back and forth] cling to my beads and swear to never give parts of myself to anyone else. sometimes exposing yourself to vulnerability is a really great thing. today, it is not.

 

[title from mr. right by white tie affair]

6 comments:

  1. You have a beautiful way with words and an even more beautiful soul. You may never get those little pieces of you back but each time you open your heart you gain something too; even if it is a painful something, it is worthwhile. This little piece of you that you share with the world here on your blog? It is wonderful, and inspiring, and really, really cool. From 3000+ kilometers away, thank you. For trusting me with it.

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  2. Well, your blog bead you give us is one of the highlights of my day. :) ♥

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  3. sometimes you and I are kind of the same person... love you friend!

    See evidence
    here
    http://thatgirlsdailyramblings.blogspot.com/2011/06/why-is-it.html

    and here
    http://thatgirlsdailyramblings.blogspot.com/2009/08/my-vice.html

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  4. I think I have kept every bead you have ever given me. I take them out and shine them periodically. When you fling them I run around trying to pick them up as fast I can so none of them are left for the undeserving. Ocasionally I try to think of ways to get them back from people who don't merit them, but then I stop and realize it's probably a better use of my energy to focus on caring for the ones you have given me. I plan on being buried with them btw....probably clutched in my hands.
    Rose

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  5. I'm not the only one thanks this is beautiful!!

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