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waiting in vain

a disclaimer: this post in particular is a these are my thoughts for me to read over later post. don’t fret. i am not suicidal or being abused or anything like that. i may just be crazy, but we’ll see. sorry, mom.
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i am in a destructive relationship. one where i am certain that i am disliked, yet tolerated. one of those where i shake my head and wonder how it ever got to this point. one that makes me feel worse about myself most of the time, but is sustained by occasional good days, ones that are so good. i cling to the six good memories and use them to drag myself through the bad days, which are most days. i know that it's not good for me. i know that no one should be treated the way that i'm treated. but i can't let go. it seems that the more that i try to drag myself away from it, the more my brain churns and turns and convinces me that i can't walk away, that i will be nothing without it. it's eerie, how a hollow, empty feeling is one that i'm attached to, one that i'm comfortable with. it's asinine, the idea that i would inflict this perpetual pain on myself willingly. yet at this point i seem to be beyond the point of choosing. i'm in the habit of this cycle--of being torn down, crying and promising myself change, only to realize that it's not going to change, soothing myself with the remember-this-one-good-day? and accepting my role as an inferior person, one worth very little. i'm looking at myself from the outside, recognizing the destructiveness of this relationship and simultaneously admitting that i don't want to walk away. every day i dream of better, of what it could be like. and knowing that it will never be better because i am content to settle for less. i've seen friends in the position that i'm in. i scoff and wonder how can they not see what this is doing to them. and now that i'm here, i see it differently. yes, this is messing with my head. yes, i deserve to be treated better because all humans deserve to be treated better. but it's easier to just deal with it, to swallow the tears and pretend that the hurt's not there. it's comfortable, in the sense that i've grown accustomed to it. but hey kids, don't ever choose to spend time around someone that makes you feel lonely in their presence. the grass is not greener over here.
[title from eyes on fire (zeds dead remix) by blue foundation]

2 comments:

  1. Let me start out by saying, I absolutely love your blog and your writing. You're so immensely talented.

    From what I’ve just read I’d say I've been where you are and have had several years to reflect and look back on what I call "wasted time." Today, after much reflection, I choose to view the past relationship (much like the one you are describing) as a hard lesson learned. Sometimes life brings us to the wrong people or person but that doesn't mean that person won't teach you very valuable lessons. For some, we learn how we want to be treated by learning how we don’t want to be treated.

    I hope this helps. Keep your head up! You got this :)

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  2. I love your blog! I sure miss you but it helps to read this. BTW I'm loving the bangs!

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