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the age of innocence

if i could go back in time and give myself some advice, i know for certain what it’d be. three years back or thirteen years back, it’d be the same. it would be to take more pictures and document more thoughts. when i find stories that i’ve scribbled on scraps of paper, it’s better than christmas. one time when i was about eleven or twelve i was encouraged to write a letter to myself to open on my 16th birthday. i poured my heart into that letter—current likes and dislikes, future hopes and dreams. i sealed it up and stuck it in my journal…and opened it exactly one month later. i just had to see what i’d written. i still have that letter and periodically re-read it and scoff laugh at myself. how naive i was, how simple things seemed to be. but that letter is still precious to me. call me vain, but i just love reading what i have to say. ha.
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circa may 2011; during my first encounter with bangs and looking significantly more tan than i do now. photo by Jada.

in a lot of ways that is what this blog has done for me. the earlier days aren’t as exciting; i have no clue what things i was worried about or excited for—which means i have no reference for growth. since i really started writing in 2011 it has become something different. it’s now something that i can look back on and see where my mind was at. and how convenient that i happened to start documenting through one of the most traumatic years of my life. some of the entries are painful to read. as weird as it may seem, it still hurts to look back and see my own pain. and the things that i write are triggers; it takes me right back to where i was when i wrote it—whether it was sitting on the floor of a furniture-less room drowning in the impending heartache of leaving florida or sitting in a room filled with furniture (yet somehow just as empty) feeling hollow at the losses i endured and eating my feelings [note: they do not taste good].

sometimes i almost feel embarrassed that these things are out in public for strangers to read, interpret, and judge. sometimes i want to delete them, as though removing them from el internet would make them vanish; like it would change the way things happened in my life. but of course, it wouldn’t. and there are days when i genuinely appreciate those cries from dark and sad valleys. because right now, sitting on top of a hill, it makes me appreciate the climb so much more. it’s pretty great for the soul [and the esteem!] to see hey, i have made actual progress in my life. way to not suck.

so the bad will stay. the embarrassing will continue to be publicized. and i will continue to flip through this virtual scrapbook and…well…admire myself. if nothing else, i sure have great hair.
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also circa may 2011. when both my eyebrows still worked and static electricity was in style.

[title from hollywood by cute is what we aim for]

2 comments:

  1. ditto to EVERYTHING you said. love you and your perspective! i still want you to come road trip it to dallas sometime and speak on sunday. :)

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  2. Bridian! Im beyond obsessed with your blog! You should probz write a best seller <3

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