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to our senses

the low today is 41 degrees. the high is 81. i’d say i’m about as stable as the weather—and maybe this is just the warm weather talking—but here’s how i feel today:

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i feel calm, content, and peaceful. i feel like the little nagging voice that has harassed, belittled, undermined, and demeaned me since at least fourth grade is gone. dead. finally silent. i don’t know what happened, but for the last few months i’ve felt like i’m in control of myself, a little more in control of my emotions. i don’t feel superbly nervous, awkward, or self conscious in most situations the way i have most of my life. i feel like i am something—and something great. sure, i still make mistakes and do things wrong. but for once in my life I'm not worried about appearances, pretenses, or other peoples' perceptions of me. i don’t feel like i’m preemptively apologizing for my whole life or feeling stupid for the things i like, say, and feel. that confidence, the restfulness, the “inner peace” that i think i’m experiencing—that’s something i’ve sought for since high school. i wanted to not be my own worst enemy. and now i can proudly say that i am not! i listen to girly music and sometimes have the emotional capacity of a boy. i like bright colors and having unruly, unkempt hair.  i take pictures of nothing because it seems cool to me. IMG-20130218-11458

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things still suck sometimes and bad things still happen, but it’s a different world when the battles are all exterior; when you’re not constantly warring with yourself.  i am impatient, impulsive, and independent to a fault, but i kind of like that about myself. and embracing that [the way that i embrace other people’s flaws, differences, whatever you want to call it] has made life such a smoother sea to sail.

[title from taste by josh abbot band]

3 comments:

  1. I've followed your blog for awhile, never commented but today I thought I should :-)
    Really love your blog and writing style!

    Hope you have a good weekend!

    -Jennifer
    Orlando, FL

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  2. Way to go girl. I am proud of you.

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  3. Hey, How are you?
    Whenever I come here I'm inspired. You are truly talented and can communicate in a way no one can. - Christy

    ReplyDelete