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the world dances to the rhythm of its own

my grandma died. i went to her funeral.

[yes, my writing skills may have regressed to that of a shaky handed kindergartner, but sometimes starting these things is the hardest part]

i wasn’t going to make it to her funeral. everything conspired against me until the day before the funeral [around four in the morning, no less]. but it worked. i threw my cowboy boots and some cheetos into rickety ol’ kocoum and headed off on my first-ever independent road trip.

i met up with my cousins and worried about nothing except the minimal cell reception and the creation of new playlists.

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coat courtesy of a relative, as i brought absolutely no warm clothes

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stunna.

it was absolutely frigid. parts of the weekend were miserable. but i am so incredibly glad that i went.

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it was strange being in sanford again—the first time in almost ten years. i knew almost no one [unfortunately that did not mean they didn’t know me]. it was funny to notice the difference between males and females; females usually went to great lengths to remind me who they were, something significant that happened to us together, who’s daughter they were, who all the siblings were, etc. And the good ol’ males nodded and essentially said “sup.” I needed to be born a boy.

the funeral was peaceful. it seemed significantly less painful than the last one i attended; the cliché “she is in a better place” felt more true than with jada. my grandma had served her time here and had more to look forward to on the other side than she did with her life here. IMG-20130119-11326

the cemetery was beautiful—gently covered in slowly melting snow. evidently it was one of sanfords’ warmer days. excellent news for me, who [again] didn’t bring any warm clothes.

when i was in high school my grandma lived with us for a while. she’d already slipped into phases of forgetfulness, but that didn’t make her any less fun to have around. one night i slept on the floor in her room, to ensure her comfort and safety throughout the night. but she didn’t sleep. she’d wake up periodically, see me on the floor, and ask “need another blanket??” she would then scour the room for anything that might potentially keep me warm; i had towels, sheets, button up shirts, and even a pair of shoes tossed at me. clearly warmth wasn’t an issue during that hot floridian summer night, but it didn’t deter her one bit [even despite my adamant protests that no i don’t need another blanket]. it was sweet to have things come full circle as i stood at her funeral in my knee length dress and had an inordinate amount of people offer me anything they could to keep me warm. i’m sure she was looking down, smirking, wishing she could throw shoes at me from heaven. IMG-20130119-11330IMG-20130119-11333

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it was nice to see extended family again [though i make no promises to remember them next time i see them]. it was a huge emotional weekend—full of closure and healing. my body didn’t hold up well though; i had the worst case of the flu i’ve ever had. i almost didn’t make it home alive.  IMG-20130119-11340

but i did. the flu lasted for one of the most miserable weeks of my life, only offset by a heartwarming little gold mine of people who care about me.

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endings are also hard.

the end.

[title from believe me by ellie goulding]

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