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this sick, strange darkness

the problem with rain here is that lubbock wasn't built for rain. just a few minutes of drizzling leaves the flat roads flooded. no one can ever be properly prepared for rain.

the problem with rain is how much i hope for it. that the tiny little rain symbol on my phone gives me hope--hope that is built up only to be let down; it was only a 30% chance anyway.

the problem with rain is that it doesn't stay. it makes me feel better, it soothes the pain, it masks all my problems. it pauses the world, the hurt, the worry, the stress, the anxiety, the confusion of which way is up. it shelters me, keeps me safe, and then leaves. am i more vulnerable than before? or is it merely a downhill slope of a wonderful, tortuous roller coaster?

the problem with rain is how much i like it, this standstill object incapable of returning the feeling. the more i think about it, the emptier i feel. yet my affinity toward it remains the same.

the problem with rain is that it's blinding. i can't see forward and it's useless to look back. and yet that's where the comfort is; the beauty of it is that i don't need to see, because i'm enclosed by the blindness and it seems to be enough. it doesn't matter where i end up when it's over, all that matters is that i'm surrounded by it right now.

the problem with rain is how it makes me feel. i don't remember every drop, i don't remember when it starts or how it ends, i don't think about what causes it or what events it causes, just that it feels comforting, sheltering, even when it's not.

the problem with rain is that it is dangerous and thrilling, and yet isn't the danger part of the appeal?

the problem with rain is that it makes me not want to get out of bed. let the world go on, but all i want is this. i don't want to work or go to school or build relationships or have ambition. i don't want to think about a future or changing or becoming better or worse. i want to stay forever here, letting the rain fall as it wants and watching it pass. i don't want anything more than the rain, the way it is, as bad or good as it may be, as wonderful or horrific as it makes me feel. i just want the rain.

the problem with the rain is that i feel such conflicting things. shouldn't it be simple? it's just rain after all.

the problem with rain is that no one sees it the way i do. don't go out in the rain, it's unsafe, there's no need, you're better off safe and dry. but the rain is not evil. no one can ever understand what it means to me. it's both lonely and thrilling to carry such emotional insanity alone. the only thing scarier is the thought of not carrying it at all.

[title from i miss you by blink 182]

1 comment:

  1. I love the rain too. It's so hard to explain such a complicated relationship with something so simple, but you did it well. ♥

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