Pages

poison in my bones

i just want to make one thing very clear: i am not doing okay. BUT it has very little to do with the boy, more to do with everything else in my life that i haven't dealt with. it seems like after everything that happened i was supposed to be okay, so i picked myself up and started running. and i think i ran off a cliff.

when i'm overwhelmed with sadness or hopelessness it's so easy to tell myself tomorrow will be better. it's what i've learned, it's what everyone tells you. just ride it out, the bad times will end, tomorrow is a new day. 

the problem arises when tomorrow doesn't come. it's never a bright new day with hope, happiness, and a fresh start. the days just all blend together, each morning a continuation of a miserable night. i tell myself, from experience, that all i need to do is just pick myself up, put one foot in front of the other, do little things that will eventually turn into big things, into progress, into happiness. yet this time it doesn't work. my steps are always caught on a stair, stubbing my toe and sending me tumbling. and then i lay on the floor and curse the stupidity of taking steps. 

i don't know how to get out of this. i don't even know that i want to. currently i am just thankful for the internet and a good therapist.


and on a lighter note, two of my favorite memories from my recent tv binges:

the epic phil/jiana hug rejection:


and jillian micheals, disappointed with everyone. i feel for her though. i'm sure it's hard to be happy with slicked back hair.

[title from home by ellie goulding]

2 comments:

  1. Things will get better Brid! I love you, and you're in my prayers! ♥

    ReplyDelete
  2. life truly is difficult. and just as you said, it doesn't seem to get better as time passes. what helped me in times of true misery was to stop what i was doing and write out a list of what i was thankful for. no need to publicize it, just reaffirm in your own mind that there are good things. this gratitude journal has dragged me out of many depressing situations, sentiments, moods, and thoughts. if nothing comes to mind, you can always laugh at yourself for not thinking of something, i do all the time.

    ReplyDelete