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i don't need love

i really wanted to write about thanksgiving. i sorted through my pictures, got my brain all geared up for writing, and totally drew a blank.

i left the office and drove around for a bit, hoping to clear my head and get my writer brain working again. i was stumped. it wasn't really writers' block, it was just some weird reluctance of my stubborn brain not willing to work. 

and then i realized what my problem was.


i was just crippled by a case of apathy. not necessarily regarding thanksgiving, more about my life in general. it's like i have a deep rooted disease of apathy, and it only flares up periodically. but when it does, it's bad. i've never noticed it as a thing, something that starts and ends, but this time i did. i looked at my feelings from outside, took stock of what i was feeling and thinking so that i could look at it when the flare up had died down. here's what i found:

i just don't care about anything. i don't care if i hurt peoples' feelings, if they hurt mine, if they don't like me, if they don't like my decisions. i don't care if i have too many feelings, if i share too much, if people think i'm crazy or stupid. i don't know why i ever cared.

i don't care about my life. i don't care if i get fired, if people don't remember if i exist, if i get into a car accident or get kidnapped or mugged.

this brazen attitude isn't confidence or bravery. it's stupid, reckless apathy. 

the worst part is that i don't want to change it. i don't want to care. it's dangerous, not caring if you lose your job or get thrown in jail or cause yourself harm. it's even more dangerous feeling safe as you push people away, ignore peoples' concern for you, hurt their feelings.

ultimately though, it's safety. i mean, therapy 101 tells us that shutting out feelings is the most sure way to not have to feel things like sadness, pain, loss, hurt, rejection. being shielded by this lack of any emotion is sooo much better than crying. it's something i wish for when i get really down and experience relentless tears about everything. i long for the power that comes with not feeling anything at all. it's a cowardly way to live, in my opinion. but it works. and if people think otherwise, it still won't matter. my feelings won't be hurt. i won't argue my point. i'll just walk away. people can offer opinions, advice, guidance, direction to a path that leads to a better life, but it won't phase me. i'll ignore it. 

deep down, after the phase passes, i still like some people. hell, if you're reading this blog i probably like you a lot more than most. i'm just not going to show it. maybe ever. sorry.

not sorry.

[title from get sleazy by ke$ha]

6 comments:

  1. Yes. I still echo what you said. Hopefully it's just a phase. I don't know how to articulate it.

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  2. I DGAF so I don't punch things.

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  3. [my opinion here] [nebulous postulations of quickened queries] [resolution of queries] [devilish smiley face]

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    Replies
    1. i am so glad you've started commenting.

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    2. i do what i do after wrestling my own demons; for over a decade, i used generalized apathy and a kind extrinsic demeanor to BoyScout my way through everything. but everything changed when the fire nation attacked! haha but really, i died in a car wreck last december and was resuscitated. ever since then i've been praying to care about family, my future, friends, and life in general and doing what i can to show that i care. it's been working since i've been working toward these new desires instead of just wishing for them

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