one word and it's over

winter skies are so intense. and this post is a haphazard collaboration of thoughts produced by a pile-of-mush-brain.

isn't it incredible what words can do? they have the power to carry with them all the emotion in the world.

for example: a "breakthrough" in therapy.

it sounds so powerful, so joyous, so happy. it carries with it a sense of relief--like you've finally broken through the glass ceiling of your problems. you are liberated! you've won!

this isn't what it means at all.

yesterday i had one of these elusive, ever coveted breakthroughs. i learned the real root of my problems, a constant source of underlying pain--one that is just dull when unrecognized, but is all-consuming when brought to the surface. i learned what a breakthrough really is.

it means you're at the bottom. you've uncovered a problem that previously went unnoticed. something else you have to work through, deal with, be burdened by.

i'm sure it's no surprise to anyone reading this that i am in therapy--it was probably long overdue. yesterday's session was going slow. i felt frustrated, brain dead, like we weren't getting anywhere. and then towards the end, she finally said something that struck a nerve. we dug a little deeper and found something. something bad.

words that i've always thought to be over used, dramatic, impossible terms applied to the way i cried when we made that discovery. it was gut-wrenching. it was heartbreaking. i felt the emotional pain in the physical sense--more than i ever had in my life. i felt like my insides were slowly being crushed. it was--hands down--the worst i have ever felt. the most pain i have ever felt. i cried for the rest of the session. for the rest of the day. well into the night. most of this morning. every word and every thought is centered around this, the pain and vulnerability i discovered yesterday so fresh and exposed.

but of course, there is beauty in pain. there's beauty in being able to really feel, even if it's a lower feeling than i ever could have imagined. and it truly was a breakthrough. it's since revolutionized the way i think, the way i remember things, the way i interpret things. i see this previously undiscovered thread weaving through every event in my life, every choice, every mistake. it's as if i've discovered God, looking back and realizing that through every step of my life there has been this influence guiding and nudging. except it's less of a god and more of a demon, one that has sometimes raised its snarling, determined head, reached out its menacing claws and consumed my life.

i see it in my dreams, in my future, in my hesitations and insecurities--this demon, this influence, this thread of my life. knowing it's there is terrifying. but more than that it's a relief. it's comforting, knowing the enemy you're facing.

i suppose that's why they call it a break through. i just think it should be modified to "break-down-and-then-through".

[title from raise your weapon by deadmau5]